Sometimes You Need to be Broken Before You're Willing to Heal
What does it mean to reach the bottom? Reaching the bottom is when you finally get to the point when you are ready to do whatever it takes to change. Whatever it takes. That's the key. It isn't just an unpleasant feeling where you don't like what's happening right now - it really is a feeling of - "if whatever is going on in my life doesn't change right now - I would rather die". It is. People are too afraid to admit that out loud because they are afraid of what others will think about supposed suicidal thoughts. Some people are afraid to say it out loud because they are afraid they'll be sent to a doctor that will lock them up in the psychiatric wing. The irony is, people are afraid that someone might take something away from them - like their freedom - and if they are at that point, they are already in a mental and emotional prison where there isn't a whole lot of freedom anyway.
I certainly never said it out loud to anyone that I thought mattered when I wanted to die. I kept it to myself. I'm not sure I even understood what those suicidal feelings were, until I experienced God's Grace and was healed. When I was at my personal lowest point emotionally and Spiritually, I told my Higher Power that I've named God: if this is it - if my life is going to be full of one fucking thing after another - I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Take me now. I've lived through sexual abuse and rape, a life of physical pain, failed surgeries, emotional abuse, bullying, workplace sexual harassment , and I've been the whistle-blower, where doing the right thing means no one wants to work with you anymore. I've lived through enough crap, and just when I thought my life was finally heading in the right direction, I found out I hadn't healed nearly as much of my past as I'd thought.
The new life in a new city that I was so excited to begin started off with my brother's suicide, a horrible job, and before the end of the first year, the absolute deterioration of my pelvis, excruciating pain, and a physiological breakdown that stole my sanity. I was facing two more surgeries with a body that was so sick, so malnourished - both physiologically and emotionally - that it is truly a miracle that I am even here to write this.
The only physical thing that kept me from slicing open my femoral artery and allowing myself to bleed out was my aging dog. I couldn't kill her, and I couldn't leave her either. Who would look after her? And what about the cat? Who would take proper care of her? So, I became more emotionally numb than I had ever been before. I existed in an absolutely hollow world
- except with the animals. I went through the motions of life - barely - and I existed. I had never been this 'depressed' before, and I imagined that this is what it feels like for people who actually go through with suicide. I was tired of having to figure my way out of things, and I was tired of problems, and I was tired of people telling me all the things I was doing wrong and how bitter I was. I was tired of people not actually hearing what I was saying. I realize now that I had never really reached my 'bottom' before, even though I thought I had. Physically, I was done having to deal with surgeries and doctors, broken bones and pain. Emotionally I was done with feeling utterly misunderstood, alone, frustrated, and angry, and Spiritually, I was wondering what the hell all of this pain is really all for anyway? What could I have possibly done to deserve all this crap?
Then, out of the blue one day I remembered. I don't have to stay on this path where I face nothing but pain. I just have to decide whether or not I'm worth it to myself to change paths. For real. Get up of the ground, shake off the feelings of defeat, and get back on the road that leads to sanity and peace. All I had to do was decide to take a hard right on the road of life, and put all of my trust in something that I can't see or touch to guide me. All I had to do is trust something that I know in my heart is there, quiet my mind's self victimizing thoughts of 'why me?' and listen. Feel the guidance I am being given from the messengers of the power of Creation itself. I realized that it wasn't 'me' that wanted to die, it was my ego that had finally had enough. My ego - the child within that thought it could handle everything. My ego - the part of my mind that is assessing my current life through rigid perspectives that were formed before I was old enough to actually use the gift of wisdom I was given by the very power that my ego was ignoring. The part of me that wanted to die was my ego, and the part of me that waited patiently for this moment so it could lead me to where I needed to be, my Spirit, saved me.
It isn't easy to allow a Higher Power to completely call the shots when for so many years, I was convinced that unless I was in control, life would fall apart. It isn't easy to let go of all the thoughts and beliefs I had, that told me that I was my own boss. But wait?! I am my own boss - right? Well……yes. You get to choose exactly how you want to live your life every minute of every day. In fact, I tell people all the time that they are their own boss. If you want to continue trying to figure out life on your own; if you want to continue to be miserable and never experience lasting peace, keep doing what you're doing! But, if you want to live a peaceful and Spiritual life, you have to learn to listen to the Holy Spirit's voice, and let go of the voice of your ego.
My Spirit is the part of me, and every other living thing, that is in constant communication with God. A person's Spirit never stands in judgement of another, or criticizes another. The Spirit is the part of everyone that completely and utterly seeks to understand the human condition. My Spirit hears and feels the Holy Spirit in my life, and the Holy Spirit guides me in all I do. Does that mean that I'll never again get angry? NO! Does that mean that I'll never again feel hurt? NO! Does that mean that I have to give up being human? NO! It means that I've taken the time to heal the child within - my ego - and I've learned how to keep my ego and my Spirit balanced. I haven't just masked my hurt feelings with more denial, I've gone into the FILING CABINETS OF MY MIND and taken out each and every folder that contained a rigid perspective and reassessed it. I've allowed all the hurt, frustration, and anger that I stuffed inside my being to come out, and I've forgiven every person I believed had harmed me, and exchanged the anger, judgement and bitterness with love, understanding and compassion.
It takes a lot of dedication, commitment and work to heal that child within. It isn't easy, but if you really want to live in peace, contentment, and truth, it's a journey that you must take. Sometimes, you need to be completely broken before you're willing to heal.