We Author Our Lives In Ways We Aren't Aware Of
Updated: Jan 12
When you meet someone new - whether that is a potential friend, lover or business acquaintance - the desire to make a good impression overpowers the desire to maintain boundaries - assuming you have boundaries in place, of course!
What are personal boundaries? Personal boundaries are behaviours from others that are unacceptable to you. The irony about personal boundaries is, until you've experienced the negative impact of certain behaviours, you won't know whether they are actually acceptable or unacceptable to you.
Remember, we start forming Mind Files immediately after birth! As babies, our conscious mind isn't yet able to think or comprehend, so we are just collecting data and storing it in our NEUTRAL cabinet. As our mind's process matures, it begins using those files as a reference to help us understand what we are currently experiencing. When we start to make new friends, we are usually quite giving of ourselves because we haven't yet experienced teasing, mistreatment or betrayal. Our 'This is my new friend' file usually starts out in our LOVE cabinet because it's fun and exciting meeting new people. Sooner or later though, we will come across people who are mean in some way. Perhaps they tease us, pinch, slap or trip us, or maybe exclude us from joining in a group activity. Maybe they yell at us or mistreat us in some other way.
The first time this happens our mind's process will struggle to understand the negative behaviour, but if we continue to have these negative experiences with people, the mind file will take on so many negatively coloured filters that it will move over to the FEAR file. At some point, we will become unwilling to accept any negative behaviour at all, but it usually takes decades to reach that point.
There are multiple reasons that a person will start out in a new relationship allowing people to behave in ways that they don't particularly like, and if we are really honest with ourselves, it always boils down to acceptance. Human beings are tribal beings. It is in our nature to want to belong to a tribe - which is just another word for group or community.
As young children, most of us are taught that we must do what we can to 'get along with others'. While compromise is an important part of any relationship, we must also learn that our personal boundaries are not negotiable. When we stand our ground, we undoubtedly will find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. Boundaries force people to choose, and sometimes this will also create conflict.
In business relationships, we are often willing to 'go the extra mile' to prove our worth and solidify our employment - especially when jobs are hard to come by. Initially, we don't mind putting in the extra hours and running errands, but eventually, that extra mile gets in the way. The initial reaction is to blame our boss, but again, if we are honest with ourselves, we created the problem. Our personal lives go through multiple changes, but business is business. It stays the same.
Take time to consider what your personal boundaries are and who is currently breaching them in your family, friendships, romantic and business relationships. If you're feeling defensive or defiant in any way - take time to calm down before you confront the person. Remember - you taught that person that whatever it is that now bothers you was acceptable at the beginning of your relationship. Expect this person to react defensively. Wouldn't you if someone accused you of being mean in some way? Stay calm and explain why you feel the way you do. It is then up to that person as to whether or not they will honour your new personal boundary. Be prepared for any decision - they may choose to leave the relationship and that is their choice. Don't be fooled into a test of loyalty either. That is a form of manipulation.
Learning to love yourself unconditionally and living authentically means you put yourself first without the need to be confrontational in a negative way. There is no defiance in love!
© 2019 Penny Hodgson and Kyrons Way. All Rights Reserved